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Alone in a Crowd

I’ve been living in this town for about 4 years now, and I’ve been trying with limited success to integrate into a couple of social groups. Mainly, a writing group and a BDSM dungeon. For obvious reasons, the writing group has been a lot easier to get into, but in both groups, there’s a feeling like I’ve stagnated at the edges of the social circles. I think that’s because all the time I’ve spent at these groups I’ve been really trying hard to come off as non-threatening and trying to prove my value to the group. I think it’s a bit more clinging than climbing. I like finding new social circles and seeing how they function. I don’t usually end up staying very long though.

I watch a lot of psychology videos on YouTube, and one that I watched recently by Healthy Gamer actually talked about this exact experience that I was having. The YouTuber, Dr. K, said one of his patients called it “being a goober.” He outlined 4 steps that he had found to “deGoober” in a given social interaction, and I think I want to try taking some of those steps in my own situation and see if I can get the hang of breaking into social groups a bit easier.

Step 1: Forming Weak Connections

Dr. K says that you should be trying to make a lot of smaller loose friendships at first. This makes a lot of sense to me, if you’re out expanding the friend group then, there’s more of an argument that you’ve got some stake in it. Weak connections are sometimes frowned upon, especially if what you’re really looking for is a deeper human connection, but you can’t help flowers grow if you don’t plant any flowers, and you can’t edit a novel without writing a rough draft.

One of my closest friends is the person who made the writing group from scratch, and it feels like they know a nearly infinite number of people. Literally last night they told me to be on the lookout at the Monday writing group for a new person that they sent my way. They’re still going out and expanding the group. An adjacent group that I’ve drifted away from, the local punk rock band group, was lead and formed around a similar person who also always seemed to be bringing in more people and constantly expanding their pool of friends.

Weak ties feel a bit scary to me, because I think I get it too in my head that this person I’ve reached out to connect with is my responsibility, but I think that’s because I’m trying to hard to be a people pleaser. Writing Group Bestie recently invited this guy to the writing group that seemed cool for a couple of meetings, than at one point started talking about drinking baby piss to live forever. They aren’t all winners. I haven’t seen that guy in a hot minute, but I’m sure Writing Group Bestie isn’t losing any sleep over it. Similarly, from a different angle, a group I used to be a lot closer with was the local indie music scene. One of the “leaders” of that group was also a very close friend of mine (actually, they were one of the people who talked me into moving out here) and I hung out with them for a while, but I don’t really hang out there much anymore. I don’t have any ill will against that person, and when I see them, we’re still very much friendly. It does feel like the door is still open for me to come back whenever I have time.

I think I’m going to try to be less scared of that. I think I’m going to try to just talk to random people and not feel responsible for them.

Step 2: Convert Weak Connections into Strong Connections

This one I like a bit more, because this is the part where the sincerity comes in: taking these weak ties and converting them into strong ones. Basically, hanging out with someone you know and making them a friend. I think one thing that gets me into some trouble here is that I’ll end up over-investing in a friendship that I subconsciously think is going to fix everything. Instead, it just ends up breaking down a lot of the other friendships that I’ve been working on because I’m focusing too much time and energy here.

It's basically just hanging out with a person repeatedly; I think even before the pandemic I wasn’t totally sure how to do this. Dr. I recommend small groups, like groups of three or one on one hangouts. This makes a ton of sense, and when I have someone one on one, I actually feel way more at ease than when I’m trying to hang out with a wider group (I got bullied a lot in school and sometimes my mind still sees a friend group and thinks it’s a firing squad). So maybe it boils down to just thinking about things to do around town with people.

I think in order to be able to do this one I need to find more small things around town so that I can invite a small group of people to. I know I need to be careful because there are a couple of weak ties, I can think of that will definitely take it as a date if I’m not explicit about it.

Step 3: In-Between-ness

This is one I hadn’t thought of because I myself seem to be so resistant towards it. It’s basically just introducing friends to each other. Person A needs to know someone who can do a Thing? Introduce them to Person B. I’ve actually had Indie Music Bestie try to get me in touch with another person who was doing indie game development but I didn’t reach out to the person they were talking about because in my head it was like “dude it was a crazy amount of social exertion just to reach out to you, I’m not cold texting another guy I’ve only met like once.” Now I’m like “I should have done that.

Being a person who does that isn’t really something I’ve ever tried or thought of before either. I mean I bragged about some of my friends in high school but I didn’t really like crossing the streams of my different friend groups. I think I rely on different friend gross to let me exceedingly different aspects of my personality and having other people see me act really differently than what they’re used to freaks me out a little. I’ve got friends I’d invite to a tea party, I’ve got friends in leather who’s naked bodies I’ve smacked. Never the two should meet.

But I guess it goes back to not feeling responsible for these people just because they’re you’re friends. I mean there’s a bit more at stake here with me having an actual emotional investment with the people I’m introducing, not like a weak toe where I can just cut a person off completely for whatever weird behavior, so that does add a later of anxiety to it. I’ll keep an eye out for people who need other people for things.

Step 4: Stop Engaging in Non-Respect Inducing Behaviors

Downplaying expertise and being self-deprecating. Mom still calls me out for this one, she says I downplay a lot of my talents and play my cards a little too close to my chest. I definitely do this, and I think I tell myself it’s humility but really it’s hiding. I’m not even actually sure what  things I’m good at anymore.

Self deprecating humor is the hallmark of my childhood though. Actually, that’s probably a lot to do with why I got bullied so much when I was little. I didn’t want to take up space, because when I did have the limelight, it felt like I didn’t really know how to hold onto it. People come after you when you lot yourself out there, and water being told that you’re cringe enough times you sometimes decide maybe you’re not meant to be in the limelight.

It’s really really easy to become small, to hide and stay on the edges of a group. I’ve literally been doing that since I got here. When no one knows you, you can be anyone. I think I am pretty good at shibari, but I’m definitely not so good that I would want to draw attention to myself in the dungeon. There are people there that can tie a person up and make it a work of art. The same goes for writing, I’m not at a level where I want my skills being compared to others.

But maybe that’s just what being a person is about. I know I’m not the best at anything in the room, I remember hearing an NPR interview when my mom was driving me to school once where the guy being interviewed said “I’m not the best, but among the mechanics I’m the best cook and among the cooks I’m the best mechanic” and that really stick with me. It’s scary to know exactly where you stand because it might not be where you wanted it to be. You might just be okay at the thing you peed your heart and soul into, and I think I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with that.

Being self deprecating is easy. Downplaying talents is easy. Not participating is easy. It’s the living that’s hard.